Why Happiness Isn’t the Goal—and What Matters More
Written by Bridget Yoko
At The Village School, our goal isn’t to make learners happy. That might sound surprising at first—after all, don’t we all want children to be happy at school? The answer is both yes and no. We want learners to feel excited to come each day, to feel a sense of belonging, to have strong friendships, to be respected, and to have autonomy in their learning journey. At the same time, we know true growth comes from learning to sit with discomfort. Our goal is to nurture resilient children who can experience discomfort and can move forward with strength.
Building resilience may sound like “you forgot your water inside, you will remember next time and you will be okay”, “you didn’t earn a badge, that is hard. What will you do in the next session differently?”, and “your friends aren’t listening to you, that is frustrating. What are some ways you can encourage your friends to listen?” As guides, we do not jump in and solve their problems or rescue them from experiencing “hardship”. We sit alongside them, validate their emotions, and support them with learning how to cope with feeling uncomfortable.
Being uncomfortable builds emotional regulation skills. The term emotional regulation has been part of the education world for as long as I can remember. Simply put, it’s the ability to cope with whatever life throws our way. In my view, emotional regulation is the most important life skill we teach at TVS. Child Psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy explained that learning emotional regulation is the primary work of childhood. And while it remains the work of adulthood too, our role as the grown-ups in children’s lives is not to rescue them from discomfort, but to help them develop the tools to move through it. When children learn how to handle a wide range of emotions, they build a foundation for lifelong mental and physical well-being.
At TVS, we approach this proactively through mindfulness practices, health and wellness curriculum, outdoor play, role play, and—most importantly—modeling. These strategies give learners a toolkit to draw from when challenges arise. But what about when they’re right in the middle of feeling angry, sad, hurt, or disappointed? These are the moments that can feel the hardest to sit with. It’s tempting to give in and offer quick fixes to avoid the hard feeling and restore happiness. Instead, we can hold the boundary, validate feelings, and remind them they already have what it takes to get through hard things. By allowing the hard feelings you create an opportunity to build a resilient child.
As a parent myself, I know how difficult this can be. Saying no, setting limits, or holding my children accountable often feels uncomfortable for me, too. I’ve learned that my role is not to shield them from every hard moment—it’s to stand beside them through it. I can be steady, reliable, and compassionate while still giving them the space to practice resilience.
So, the next time your child feels upset, disappointed, or uncomfortable, pause before rushing to smooth it over. See it instead as an opportunity. These moments, though challenging, are where growth happens. When we lean into the uncomfortable with our children—validating their feelings, holding boundaries with love, and staying present—we give them the priceless gift of discovering their own strength. Remember, happiness isn’t the goal - what matters more is building resilience and strength.
