The School-to-Home Eruption
There is this window of time… the moment my learners enter the car to the moment we all sit down for dinner, that I have termed our “eruption” time. I used to think that something was wrong with me, or wrong with my kids, and I had this shameful feeling that there was something I needed to fix in myself.
Why are they so nice at school and so mean to me at home? Why are my kids melting down every day? What happened to my easy going girl? Why is she screaming at me? Why can’t she just put her things away without a reminder? Why? Why? Why?
I have come to realize that this “eruption” time is a common experience. Parents often share concerns because their learners come home after school with lots of big emotions or meltdowns. In an effort to help other families and support my own children, I have some good news and some bad news…
This “eruption” time is real and is actually termed “After-School Restraint Collapse”. So, you are not crazy! You aren’t doing anything wrong! It is normal! And, it’s not something that is just experienced by our children, it happens to us too!
We can’t talk our children out of this experience and there is no reason to. As child psychologist Tammy Schamhn shares “the tears are the answer, not the problem”.
I can hear you now… “this is not helpful! I thought you were going to give me a solution and I would be able to get what has been described to me as an “easy-going, engaged” child at school to the same child at home”. The short answer is: it’s not that simple. When your child has an emotional release at home, it is actually a positive reflection of your parenting. As clinical psychologist, Lisa Damour, might say: your role as a parent is to be an emotional garbage collector.
These intense moments are a release of emotion that has been pent up during the school day. Our children experience pressure in many forms at school. There is social pressure - a constant navigation for humans to figure out how to belong in a community of people. There is academic pressure to succeed which at TVS, comes in the form of meeting self-selected goals and daily pressure to master their badge plans. And then there is the hustle and bustle of the holiday season that we are currently experiencing, which puts our learners on a roller coaster of excitement until winter break. As a guide team, we set up structures to support our learners through daily predictable routines and schedules, guide meetings, intentionally slowing down to navigate friendship challenges, intentional unstructured playtime, and finding moments to make meaningful connections with each learner.
There is another challenging element to this and that is, your children are learning how to be independent. Especially for our middle schoolers, this can look like them coming home and not wanting anything at all to do with you. It doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong, that they don’t love you, or that something is wrong with them. (I want to add a note here that adolescence is a difficult period of transition and we should not ignore signs of depression, anxiety, or other mental health concerns.) But, what I am trying to share is that the pulling away that our teens begin to do at this age is normal and is another form of “after-school collapse restraint”. Giving your child space to decompress before you ask questions about their day may be exactly what they need.
There are some helpful tips that we can all do in our households that can support us in navigating this difficult time at home, which are linked in the article above. I am sure that these are all things that we have heard before like ensuring no screen time in the first hour after school, healthy after-school snacks, and listening without judgement. I find all of these helpful and to be good reminders!
One of the most important messages that I hope you gain in reflecting upon this blog is - that you aren’t doing anything wrong and there isn’t anything wrong with your child. Navigating life is just hard, it’s really hard! It’s hard for all of us. Please take a moment to tell yourself that you are a good parent, a safe parent. Your child is looking for a space to decompress and you get to be that safe space! What a gift! I know it doesn’t feel that way, especially when your child is screaming at you - which you are allowed to set a boundary and say “I am not for screaming at” - but you are their safe space. Take a deep breath, slow down, remind yourself how safe your home is and how safe you are, get yourself a nourishing snack and be the calm to their wave.
